On children. And my summer.

Okay, I love children. Please don't get me wrong. They're so sweet, and they're our future, and it breaks my heart everyday when I see parents dropping off and picking up their children. They hug them and kiss them, and it's so beautiful.

But I can't work with 1st and 2nd graders day in and day out for the rest of my life. Not from 7:45am-4pm (and sometimes to 5:30pm.)

I feel like I die a little bit everyday. I mean, it's a great experience and I'm learning a lot, but this definitely is not what I signed up for. I didn't sign up for having no lunch break for the first week, and after that only having 20 minutes everyday to myself. I didn't sign up for teaching kids how to share and cutting their projects and painting their faces. I didn't even sign up to work with 1st and 2nd graders. My job offer was for 3rd-5th graders, and it was only months later that I found out indirectly that I was to be working with a different age group.

By law, you are mandated to allow your workers 30 minutes of lunch and two 10 minute breaks if you work an 8 hour day. Which I do.

The first week was horrible. But it made me think, is it just the fact that I'm adjusting to an full time job? Or is it that I don't like working with that particular age group? Or maybe it's that I just don't want that close of a relationship with kids, that I'd rather see them a few times a day or even less? Or is it some combination of all of these?

It doesn't help that I keep feeling like I'm falling behind in school, because none of the classes I took my freshman year seem like they will apply toward the major I will eventually pick. And I wish I took summer school but I took this--this-- job instead.

I suck at confronting people. I wish I could just quit. But I keep thinking about the fact that I want to use this place as a reference (Why? I don't know. I mean, I don't want to do any similar summer camp jobs anytime in the future). But really. I don't need the money, I feel miserable, and I've had a good run. ... On the other hand, it is only 6 weeks. And it's hard not to love the kids. And I've got so many great stories now.

I don't know. I really don't. I wish I were working with older kids. I wish I were writing more. I think that the relationship I eventually want with children is that I want to entertain them. I want to write things like Wall-E and The Incredibles, but I can't deal with them on a 40-hour-a-week basis. I don't even know how elementary school teachers do it. I honestly have a newfound respect for them. I feel like going back to my teachers and thanking them for dealing with me.

I keep feeling that this summer is a mistake. And that I'm wasting it.

Hooray for self-pity parties.