On children. And my summer.

Okay, I love children. Please don't get me wrong. They're so sweet, and they're our future, and it breaks my heart everyday when I see parents dropping off and picking up their children. They hug them and kiss them, and it's so beautiful.

But I can't work with 1st and 2nd graders day in and day out for the rest of my life. Not from 7:45am-4pm (and sometimes to 5:30pm.)

I feel like I die a little bit everyday. I mean, it's a great experience and I'm learning a lot, but this definitely is not what I signed up for. I didn't sign up for having no lunch break for the first week, and after that only having 20 minutes everyday to myself. I didn't sign up for teaching kids how to share and cutting their projects and painting their faces. I didn't even sign up to work with 1st and 2nd graders. My job offer was for 3rd-5th graders, and it was only months later that I found out indirectly that I was to be working with a different age group.

By law, you are mandated to allow your workers 30 minutes of lunch and two 10 minute breaks if you work an 8 hour day. Which I do.

The first week was horrible. But it made me think, is it just the fact that I'm adjusting to an full time job? Or is it that I don't like working with that particular age group? Or maybe it's that I just don't want that close of a relationship with kids, that I'd rather see them a few times a day or even less? Or is it some combination of all of these?

It doesn't help that I keep feeling like I'm falling behind in school, because none of the classes I took my freshman year seem like they will apply toward the major I will eventually pick. And I wish I took summer school but I took this--this-- job instead.

I suck at confronting people. I wish I could just quit. But I keep thinking about the fact that I want to use this place as a reference (Why? I don't know. I mean, I don't want to do any similar summer camp jobs anytime in the future). But really. I don't need the money, I feel miserable, and I've had a good run. ... On the other hand, it is only 6 weeks. And it's hard not to love the kids. And I've got so many great stories now.

I don't know. I really don't. I wish I were working with older kids. I wish I were writing more. I think that the relationship I eventually want with children is that I want to entertain them. I want to write things like Wall-E and The Incredibles, but I can't deal with them on a 40-hour-a-week basis. I don't even know how elementary school teachers do it. I honestly have a newfound respect for them. I feel like going back to my teachers and thanking them for dealing with me.

I keep feeling that this summer is a mistake. And that I'm wasting it.

Hooray for self-pity parties.

Clean Break.

I have many places where I blog. I have a Xanga, a Livejournal, and a Facebook, and I used to use Myspace and a very old Blogger. I even keep a written journal.

For me, they have varying degrees of privacy, and I use them for different purposes. The main thing they all have in common, though, is that I don't try very hard to make sense. I just spew out whatever is on my mind and leave it there for whatever poor soul chooses to come along and make out my brain-smother.

I have decided that the time has come for me to at least try and be coherent. To at least try to write like someone will read the material. And maybe then I'd actually become a better writer, right? Ha ha.

Plus, I have a lot of baggage. My Xanga, for example, has been around since I was in... 7th or 8th grade. It's interesting to see the progression as I've, y'know, matured, but it's still really strange and kind of embarrassing to still have it up on the internet for anyone to see. Yech.

So here it is. A clean break. Let's see if it works out.